Love Advice - The Second Phase of Love Relationships And the Problems That Go With It

The second phase of love relationships is the "Me/Us" Phase.  We can’t stay in the merged oceanic love phase.  No one can, however much you think you want to.  We have to get on with our lives!  The next step can be called the “me/us” phase.  In this state we start to separate a bit as a couple and get back to our own goals, purposes and projects.  We start to deal with our individual needs instead of just “whatever, as long as we’re together.”  We want the toothpaste to be rolled up a certain way, spend time with our own friends, and we want to watch our tv shows, not just the ones our mate enjoys.

This phase is normal and natural, and its also where a lot of relationships start to run into difficulties.  The small fights that often grow bigger start here.  Arguments about toothpaste caps, toilet paper rolls, and “you don’t spend enough time with me” and “why are you so clingy?” tend to arise, along with feeling like we need our own space or that there is too much space.  We wonder why we didn’t see these issues before and we worry about our compatibility! 

A lot of relationships break up during the year or two of this phase, because we miss the oceanic love phase, the close merging/loving that we felt during the start of our time together.  "Reality" sets in during this phase.  We start to see our partner's warts and notice their faults.  They're faults are no longer as cute.   The Me/Us Phase can become the Breaking Up Phase!

We tend to think our partner is either not good enough/compatible enough, or that they don’t really love us anymore.  Something is missing, and we either blame our mate for “losing interest” or ourselves for the extra ten pounds we’ve gained. 

One thing to remember during this phase is that it is important for each person to get on with their goals and interests.  That way you can each bring a fulfilling life to your relationship, rather than always try to get fulfillment from the relationship.  If we don’t separate some from the oceanic love phase, we’d end up as a clingy merged mess.  A key to thriving during this period is to support your mate in getting their needs met.  Support their interests and goals and work efforts, and ask them to make allowances for what’s important to you as well.   You're still in love, it's just rarely feels as "oceanic."

And this phase too is temporary.  We then start to move into the companionship phase.

                                                                                         Learn more about the Companionship Phase Here


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