Love
Advice
Love Advice
- The Pain Of Intimacy
True love. We all know about the pain that goes with
not having a lover. We feel alone, we feel like something isn't right, we
feel a loss. Yes, we're all right by ourselves, but we want a partner. It
hurts not to have one in our lives in various ways.
But then we all think when we find a mate that that pain should go away, and
it does. We feel whole, happy, complete, for a time. The first few months
are usually the honeymoon phase, where we feel the most merged with our
partner. Everything is great. The pain of not being in a relationship is
completely gone.
But something interesting happens as we leave the honeymoon phase. Some pain
returns. Because the next phase of relationship, the me/us period, requires
us to get back to our own lives some, to separate from our mate a bit and
focus on our own goals and interests, not just doing things with our
partner. The second phase of relationship is about balancing relationship
needs with personal needs like career or spending time with same sex
friends.
In the me/us phase, we still love our mate. But perhaps they seem to be too
distant, and we might start to feel unloved. Or perhaps they seem too
clingy, and we start to feel smothered. Maybe they start to show up for us
like they need too much space, or they are too uncommunicative. Issues
arise, small or large between us.
Then we start to worry, or feel pressured, or wonder if we made a mistake,
or start to feel desperate for the honeymoon phase again. We have now
entered into the pain of being in a relationship! Heres a relationship
insight for you: there is pain in not being in a relationship, and there is
pain in being in a relationship!
Because the honeymoon phase was so delightful, we all seem to think our
whole relationship should feel that way. But it won't. Not for you, not for
anyone else. Relationships are just one part of adulthood, there are other
things we must handle in life to be happy. A relationship was never intended
to be the only source of our love and happiness in life.
So understand this insight: there will be pain in your relationship. It
might be light pain, like wondering if your mate truly loves you anymore, or
it may be sharp pain, like fighting and arguing. It might be a low ache,
like feeling lonely inside your relationship, or a harsh slap, like feeling
rejected by your partner.
To start with, understand that pain comes with any intimate relationship. If
you are feeling the pain of loneliness or the pang of worrying about your
choice in mate, it's all right. No need to run. No need to go have an affair
or end your relationship. Because another relationship will have pain too.
So let any pain that occurs for you from the relationship guide you to
greater understanding and maturity. You can work things out. Sometimes you
need to work on yourself, sometimes you need to work on the relationship,
but if you understand that relationship are an inquiry into intimacy and
true love, you can both continue to grow whether you feel pain or happiness
from your partnership.
Actionable Steps:
1. Notice any pain that seems to arise in your
relationship. See if you can name it.
2. See if there are any requests you can make
of your partner to ease the pain. It isn't good to make them be mind
readers.
There are entire books that can be written about
each of these topics, so this is obviously just an introduction, but
these ideas are a great place to start to improve your love relationship and the
experience of intimacy for both of you. Some good love advice is
to start loving! Don't wait for the perfect time. Love your mate
some each day. Find something to appreciate for just a few minutes a
day.
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