Love
Advice
Love
Advice On Healing Conflict
True love. We all know about the pain that goes with
not having a lover. We feel alone, we feel like something isn't right, we
feel a loss. Yes, we're all right by ourselves, but we want a partner. It
hurts not to have one in our lives in various ways.
But then we all think when we find a mate that that pain should go away, and
it does. We feel whole, happy, complete, for a time. The first few months
are usually the honeymoon phase, where we feel the most merged with our
partner. Everything is great.
But then conflict will arise in every love
relationship. Instead of trying to never have conflict, instead it is useful
to look at how the bad and good ways to deal with it.
Unhealthy ways to deal with conflict are to attack your mate. This can be
verbal or nonverbal. Trying to dominate them, argue with them, shout them
down, put them down. Mocking or deriding your partner by calling them names
and throwing insults is obviously an unhealthy way to deal with conflict.
However, there are several things you can do when conflict arises that are
healthy. First, you can take a few deep breathes and notice your reactions.
One common reaction to conflict is to revert tot he emotional age of an
eight year old.
While breathing, also see if you can notice that conflict causes crappy
behavior. Crying, screaming, withdrawing, insulting each other. But the
crappy conduct only last a few minutes in most cases. See if you can stop
taking it so personally.
One powerful thing you can do is to keep the argument from getting too
heated. Disarm and de-escalate it. You might say that you need some time to
get yourself under control, then leave the room for a few minutes. When you
come back, you will both be likely to talk in a more civil manner.
Another thing is to not withdraw affection. Don't be punitive and withhold
touching and caressing from your partner because you are in conflict. The
withdrawal of affection is an unhealthy way to deal with conflict. It can be
seen as manipulative and punitive.
Also it is important to reconnect with your mate as soon as you can after an
argument. Rather than let the hurt feelings between you linger and simmer,
go up to them and say "sorry we had a fight like that, are you all right?"
Do this even if the fight wasn't your fault, it will help you both avoid
lasting relationship damage.
Dealing well with conflict takes practice and time to learn. But it is well
worth it. You're going to argue, the question is can you do so in a way that
doesn't kill off your relationship over time.
Love Advice Actionable Steps:
1. Notice any pain that you have around
conflict in your relationship.
2. See if there are any requests you can make
of your partner to ease the pain.
3. Learn to disarm conflict as it arises.
Talk more quietly rather than shout. Leave the room for a few minutes
if you need to.
4. Learn to reconnect quickly after arguing.
There are entire books that can be written about
each of these topics, so this is obviously just an introduction, but
these ideas are a great place to start to improve your love relationship and the
experience of intimacy for both of you. Some good love advice is
to start loving! Don't wait for the perfect time. Love your mate
some each day. Find something to appreciate for just a few minutes a
day.
|
 |
